What I did on my summer vacation: rambling thoughts

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I hope you weren’t worried about me. I really just wasn’t into blogging this summer. I’m fine as always, although a bit more stressed than usual. I’ll be honest: I’m not really excited about going back. It’s getting harder for me to get loans, and I’ve been doing a lot of heavy thinking about whether or not I really want this. It’s a lot of money for not knowing whether or not I really want it. I don’t want to teach Spanish. I want to get a real job that pays money*. I feel like I can get that with educational technology, so I can keep the academia and continue doing something that I love and that will continue to be in demand. Is it wrong for me to be in a PhD program and still not know what I want? At the very least I may take a leave of absence for a term or so. I had some crappy health problems last year (some I won’t talk about here) and I want time to catch up. We’ll see what happens…watch this space. Other than deep soul-searching, the summer has been decent. It has been wonderful to be home. As you know from July, I couldn’t wait to get out of there. The summer was far too short, part of which was my fault. I miss being home with my family, and it kills me that I won’t be around much to help with my sister’s wedding. We’ll have bits and pieces of time in December/January and March/April, but that’s about it. (The wedding is next June – 06/07/08 in American dating!) I worked for most of the summer at the University of Hartford. I know some people say it is not good to work at your alma mater, but I get a wonderful network of support there. And I’ve played so many roles there that it’s not just that I’m a “student” in their eyes: to some I’ve always been faculty, to others I’ve always been staff, and to others I’ve been all three! But this summer I was having lunch with a bunch of professors in the School of Communication and the Sociology departments, and I was telling the Sociology folks about Oxford. As I was leaving, one of the professors said to me, “Remember, you just want to finish. It doesn’t have to be good – it just has to be acceptable.” I’ve heard that advice before – the doctoral dissertation doesn’t have to be the magnum opus; it’s the document that gets you into the union. Thinking about it in that way, and knowing that people would still support me if I thought that way, gave me a great sense of relief. The research has gone decently this summer – not spectacularly, but decently. I’m trying to get caught up on reading and writing a new transfer paper draft to show to my advisor in the beginning of October. I hope this one goes better than the last one! Oh, you probably want to know what I’ve been doing this summer. I really haven’t done much. I’ve worked, which is good. I’ve been playing Webkinz. (Don’t laugh!) We went to a wonderful wedding in Cape Cod – pictures are on the Flickr, if you haven’t seen them already. I caught up with friends that I hadn’t seen in a while. I read the seventh and final Harry Potter book, which disappointed me and left me with the following question: if Patronuses are supposed to be difficult magic, performed by only the most talented wizards, why does it seem like every other person can do them in this book? I also thought the epilogue was kind of lame. But anyway, back to the story. We spent a day at the beach, I saw the Harry Potter and Simpsons movies, and I spent many lovely evenings in the Jacuzzi. And there were some things that weren’t so lovely – we lost Ruth, my grandfather’s partner of 30 years, this summer. I say partner because they never married officially, but they were as close as it gets. She never married ever, so my grandfather was pretty much her husband. Requiescat in pace, Ruth, I hope you’ve found your purse. Also, more recently, someone called the police on my autistic brother because they saw him walking around their yard. He’s not out there to cause trouble or do malicious things, but when a large black autistic child wanders around the yard (and doesn’t always go home when he’s told), people start to worry. People tell us that he looks suspicious when he walks around. I wonder if they would say that if he were white? He needs help, we know that. He’s 14. He can’t live at home forever. But it’s terribly sad to see a kid who is not allowed to leave the yard now, and some days not allowed to leave the house, like he’s on house arrest or something. He’s autistic. He doesn’t understand. Sorry for all this depressing stuff in this post. It’s been in my train of thought lately. You can tell my life is rather boring when the most exciting highlight of my week was going to the new Price Chopper on Poquonock Avenue, lol. I went with Maggie after she got home from school. She goes to a new private school, and she has to wear a uniform. It’s a school run by nuns, and they’re very strict about appearance and behavior. She needs that. Anyway, while at Price Chopper, Maggie said something that made me laugh for a long time: “I like to slap bread. And I like to dance.” That’s my new motto. I like being home, really I do. I like spending time with my brothers and sisters, even though we fight sometimes. There will only be so many more times when I can do that, so I want to take advantage of it while I still can. Two days (well, a day and a half) left to go. I’m still dreading it, even though I look forward to seeing my friends. I wish they lived closer. Oxford, here I come, yet again……….

*Edit, 9:13 p.m., 8 September 2007: When I say I want a real job that pays money, I'm not trying to say that teaching is not a real job. What I mean by "real job" is a job that offers health insurance, vacation time and livable pay - not a student workstudy job. Sorry if that sounded insulting!